She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
