God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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