I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
