I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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