Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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