U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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