Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
