You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
