Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
