im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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