Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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