Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
