Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
