someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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