do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
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