my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
