I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
