I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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