I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
