....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
