shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
