i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
