I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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