The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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