you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
