I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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