Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
