I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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