i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
