this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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