so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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