It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
