maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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