just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
