I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Naked Twister starts at high noon
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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