You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
