dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
