I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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