Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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