I'm drive I can fine osifer
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
