He uses pillows to masturbate.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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