he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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