Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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