let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
