false alarm. still invincible.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
