I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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