bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
how drunk are you?
Several
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
