Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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