youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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