Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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